The Money Dilemma
This is probably a very familiar scenario for people who go and visit a girl in the Philippines. I'm posting this so others can be better prepared.
As you know, we're (foreigners) all rich. The Filippinos know this too and they use it to their advantage.
I met a girl there (from the Internet) and we went out. It was nice. We went out the next day and I met her family. We went for lunch and had a nice meal. At the end of the meal the bill naturally came to me. No one else made any attempt to pay or offer to contribute to the bill. It was just expected. That really annoys me.
What made it worse was that after we sat down for lunch other members of the family appeared and sat down, some (the younger ones) not even saying hello to me.
After lunch we all went out and went on our way. No one, and I mean NO ONE, even said "thanks". Amazing. It was just expected that the rich foreigner would pay the bill for all these people eating.
Don't get me wrong, they were lovely people and very good to me but that ruined it for me. When we got back to the hotel my girl suggested we go out for dinner later with her sister. I said No, I wasn't hungry. What I really wanted to say was that I was sick of buying food for her freeloading family....but that would have been rude of me.
It wasn't an isolated incident either. I've met other girls there who like to bring their friend(s) along and I get to buy all the drinks/food. Those girls don't get a second chance with me either.
So, what's the correct etiquette for dealing with situations like this?
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Icerocket.thumbnail.jpg "this is my mother and sister")
I Hear You!
I think the Santa Clause phenomenon, as I heard it called before, is related to several aspects of the inter-racial, cross-class relationship. Most of us from the "enlightened" places for the most part see one another as people first, who happen to be of such and such a culture second. Whereas many people who have a different background, have a stronger identification with their tribe, and secondarily with the rest of humanity.
Another aspect is that many people here are essentially beggars, and they're happy to have you buy them a meal, or to buy them meals indefinitely. They don't care whether you're a foreigner or a neighbor or uncle, whatever. The local people who are rich - or even who have a meager-paying job - have to deal with this all the time: if they aren't firm with self-protecting what is in their wallet, they'll be penniless in no time.
As for the lack of verbal appreciation, I have gotten worked up about that quite a few times myself. My wife is getting better about saying thank you and even insisting her family say thank you if we give them something - but it took my repeated insistence upon it to make that happen, and so I've also had to some extent to try to let go of my expectation of it. I can't say I've got any of these things solved or resolved or anything, because a hair short of two years into our marriage we still confront them daily - especially when we're around other local people - which is one of the main reasons I had to fire each of the helpers we tried to employ - just a bad influence.
Because it's "against the rules" to be clear about one's boundaries, desires, and expectations in a "modern relationship" sense, most Westerners I think deal with this by having a strict budget, and whether they lie about it or are really limited to X dollars per day/week/etc, they stick to it strictly and it's always the "end of the week, etc" and there's "just 200 pesos left for lunch". Those who don't figure out how to set boundaries, obviously can't last because the expenses keep escalating and even the richest one goes broke.
For my part, and on my budget, I'm ok with treating people a little - a toothbrush or sandals for my wife's sister or brother, ample food from cheap eateries for her immediate family when they visit occasionally. I am fairly firm that my generosity does not extend beyond minor items and that it does not extend to extended family.
I remember before I met my wife that I quickly decided to be firm when meeting someone for the first time - I told them in advance that they could at most bring one friend or family member.
I suspect that with enough patience of meeting enough people, a person would meet a filipina who is appreciative, if that is a top criteria. Although I really don't know for sure.
There really IS such a thing as a free meal
Thanks for the insights.
I'm all for people buying me a meal, that's great but what about the expectation part? They just expected me to pay. That's just rude in my book. No one else offered; in fact, even the waiter came straight to me with the bill even though I didn't actually do any of the ordering.
Next time I think I'd throw P300 on the table and say "that's my share". How do you think that would go down? LOL
As for saying Thank You, I didn't think that was a cultural issue, I thought good manners were commonplace across cultural boundaries.
I don't know how familiar you
I don't know how familiar you are with non-western customs, but it is generally expected that the higher status person pick up the check for everyone in many asian countries.
Was the total cost under $40?
>I don't know how familiar
>I don't know how familiar you are with non-western customs,
I've lived and worked in Asia for over 20 years so I'm fairly familiar.
>but it is generally expected that the higher status person pick up the check for everyone in many asian countries.
Yes, I've seen this but it doesn't make it right. I think the point of my initial post was to question these "expectations" and examine the inherent rudeness of this. I know it's dangerous to compare Asian standards with Western standards but given that most of us on this site are Westerners I thought I'd post the entry as a discussion point.
>Was the total cost under $40?
Irrelevant really. Doesn't matter if it was $4, $40 or $400 - the fact that it was expected and that no one said thanks was really what I was writing about.